


Over Black Hills and Under Bleak Skies

by Blacklionshirogane



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, LITERALLY, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Panic Attacks, Pining, based almost directly after 'accepting anxiety', deceit is mentioned but not interacted with, negative thoughts from virgil, patton is just trying to help, virgil has a soft spot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 03:12:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17236268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blacklionshirogane/pseuds/Blacklionshirogane
Summary: Virgil thinks he isn't good enough, Patton moves to prove him wrong





	Over Black Hills and Under Bleak Skies

Most people worry about being ignored, or annoying, or forgotten. Not me… I just worry about being pitied. Sure, they all say ‘anxiety is needed’, ‘anxiety is necessary’, ‘Virgil, you’re important’. That’s great and all, yeah, but… do they really mean it? Or do they just say that because they’re guilty? Guilty because I’m always worried, guilty because I’m always ‘moping’? Patton means well, there isn’t a mean bone in his body, but he’s just so dense. He tries to help, he obviously doesn’t know what he’s doing or doesn’t care enough to actually try. That’s probably it. 

I mean, how much further could Thomas go if I wasn’t here holding him back? Digging my heels in at every little thing that has the possibility to end badly. I was right to duck out, honestly. He wasn’t scared of anything. He could have taken on the world with Roman, Patton, and Logan. Hell, he could have conquered it, probably. He really doesn’t need me, they just feel bad. Roman always has to be the hero, and if it’s me he saves, so be it. Good enough for him. Patton doesn’t know any better than to try and help, and Logan probably just likes to say he was right and helped someone. Maybe I’m wrong, but I really don’t think so. They clearly don’t want me. I mean, they’ve only ever come to get me out of my room once. 

It’s comfortable here… I sigh and curl up on the landing, leaning back on the wall. At least my headphones block out any noise, so that’s nice. Maybe if I stay here long enough, I’ll disappear. I close my eyes and try to focus on the music. MCR. Pretty good music if you ask me, but nonetheless, I frown. Sure, the music blocks out everything around me, but it also traps me in my own head. Memories I didn’t want shove their way into the front of my brain. 

“I’m sorry, Virgil, but I just don’t understand-,”

“That’s right, Patton! You don’t understand! You’ve got no clue, you’re just so dense! Just go back to your moronic unicorns and cats and dogs!” 

I threw something at him. I don’t even remember what it was that I threw at him. I hope it didn’t hit him… I frown. Great. Now I feel bad. What kind of jerk move was that? Probably just pushed away the person who had the greatest chance at liking me. I really am an idiot. Probably made him cry…he was just trying to understand…

Turning myself to face the wall, I look up at the ceiling, designs swirling in corners of my vision the longer I stare, slowly engulfing my vision till I’m just staring at nothingness. I know I’m disassociating, but what’s the point of stopping it? I’m alone. No one’s going to come to see me. They never do. I’m floating, drifting, lost in a void of nothingness. Black and white and grey carry me around, watching nothing but at the same time everything. I’m used to it at this point. It’s comforting. I can feel myself getting drowsy, sliding into sleep slowly as cold fingers are replaced by warm arms. I haven’t slept in a while, ha. 

I’m laid down gently on grass, the dreamscape is nice, warm and soft. I like it better here, here I can have some control. I grow a tree beside me, leaning back on it and relaxing. I hear a voice. Roman. And Patton. There’s Logan. Weird. I didn’t try to bring them here. Must have thought it subconsciously, I guess. I stand slowly, watching them come over the hill. They come over to me, all smiles and pleasures, then the impossible happens.

“Virgil!” Patton runs over, “you were right! I get it now, really,”

“Yes, I was wrong, Virgil, and I apologize. I hope you will forgive me?” Logan…said I was right?

“Anxiety! Though you pout profusely, I readily admit to being in the wrong and humbly ask your apology.” He… Bowed to me? What was happening? Though, I guess this was my dream. I smile, it’s a little wicked. I can make them do whatever I want.

“I’m sorry,”

“You were right,”

“Can you forgive me?”

“I apologize,”

“We should listen to you more often,”

“You were right… we love youuUuUuuu….,” Wait, what? Patton’s voice… it warped? I look over at him, brow furrowing. That’s weird… he looks like he’s melting?! I try to take a step back, finding I can’t move. Oh no...no…nonononono no no! They’re all melting, turning black, warping, towering over me.

“You were right… I’m sorry. Forgive….you were right….you were right…you were right…,” over and over and over again, those same three words, garbled and twisted and sick. I can’t run, I can’t move, they’re joining together, fusing, it’s terrifying. I can move, I can run. I do, but I don’t get anywhere. I’m running in place, stuck and trapped. I’m screaming, yelling for help, panicking as I trip over nothing and fall face first. I can feel it above me, massive and malicious. I’m still screaming, I feel something on my shoulder, my back. I wrenched backwards, landing on the stairwell. I’m shaking and sweating, panting hard as I look around. What? How? Patton. He’s in front of me.

“Hey, Virgil, you’re okay, you’re safe, nothing’s wrong!” his hand is on my shoulder, reassuring. But no, it’s not okay, everything’s wrong, where’s the monster? Where am I? I’m practically vibrating with how much I’m shaking, clawing at the carpet and gripping it, trying to keep myself grounded. The image keeps flashing in front of my eyes. Patton melting, his sweet smile sickly sugary. He’s not smiling, he’s frowning. Worried, scared, the bags under his eyes are nearly black. How long has he been in here, trying to wake me up? There’s a bruise on his cheek, blueish and yellow, recent. That’s not where I aimed the thing I threw at him. My hand is sore. I must have hit him when he tried to wake up. He’s crying. So am I.  
Patton lurches forward, holds me to his chest. He sniffles, its right in my ear. I grip tightly at him, grounding myself. I can see him, hear him, feel him. He’s real, I’m not in the dream. It hurts, how tight he’s holding me, but I don’t care. I just want him to keep holding me, and I want to keep holding him. It’s an uncomfortable position, one that leaves my lower back and hips cramping, but it’s worth it. I can hear it, his sobbing, over the pounding in my ears. 

His hand is at my neck, I tense briefly, but then it’s moving around it, holding the back of my neck, gentle. He caresses the nape and I melt into him, I sob. It’s so nice, I haven’t been touched in a long time. At least not like this. I didn’t realize I needed this, needed to be held. There’s some kind of word or definition of it. Logan probably knows it, but that doesn’t matter right now. The ache hurts, so much, I can’t take it anymore. Next thing I know, I’m burying my face into his neck, thoroughly soaking the skin like he is to me. I don’t care. 

“You’re safe…” he repeats, and this time, I believe him. I’m okay, I’m sheltered here in his embrace. God I hurt for so long, and I didn’t even realize it. It’s so good to be held…I can tell he feel the same. He’s always so happy, but he represents all of Thomas’s emotions, so that must mean he hides the bad ones. How much has he needed this? How much have we all been neglecting him?

“Patton… Dad…” it’s out before I can stop it and I don’t even care. He pauses, then I can feel his tear-soaked grin against my skin and he’s laughing, pulling away to look at me and hell if I’m not smiling too, watching him. Such a little thing, that means so much.

“Hey kid…” he smiles, sighing softly. He’s still shaking ad so am I, but he’s calmed down a bit. I wipe the wetness of his face with my sweatshirt, then scrub at my own face. That whole thing was a bit embarrassing… but he shifts around, sitting beside me. He puts his arm around my shoulder and makes me lean into him. I’m tense at first, but I remember it’s just him. I’m okay here. I feel his hand move back to that spot behind my head, I tense briefly, but it’s gone the instant he touches it, and I melt into his shoulder. I’m safe here, with Patton. 

It takes me a good ten minutes to remember he’s not supposed to be in here, that this could be hurting him and I sit straight up, letting out a strangled noise as he yelps. Jumpy, frightened. I’ve got to get him out. I move out of my room, into his, somewhere maybe I don’t feel so comfortable, but it at least won’t hurt me. Its happy here, bubbly like him, unless you look at my corner. Still nice of him, so it’s not too bad. Patton sighs, clearly relieved to be out of there, but he just goes and hugs me again. I accept it, even though I’m looking down. He notices and squeezes me. For once, he’s quiet. It’s nice… but at the same time, I don’t like it. It’s not him.

“Patton, I’m-“ he cuts me off.

“It’s okay, I know,” he grins, bumps me a little, “you didn’t mean it, and yeah, it hurt, but that’s over with now, alright?” 

“Yeah, alright…”

“Alright kiddo, Thomas is doing a video. If you feel like it, you should come up with the rest of us!”

“I’ll try…”

“See you there!”

“Yeah…” I don’t think I’ll be going to that video… I’ll just… go back to my own room. It’s safer there, and people are less likely to come in and try to get me or try to talk to me. Thomas’s videos take a while, so I’ll be safe for a few hours. But… will Patton tell the others what happened? He talks a lot…maybe I should go up and make sure. Oh no… the bruise, they’ll ask and they’ll definitely know then… I really don’t want to go up. I could ask deceit… no wrong idea.

I just end up staying in my room, hiding in the stairwell. It hurts them to stay here too long, so they won’t come here, and Patton won’t show up here again. I’m… grateful for that, actually, being so close to Patton, especially right after something that left me so exposed mentally, it wasn’t good. I could have said something bad, something that would have given myself away. I can’t do that, not with everyone else basically sharing the same space. Maybe if it was different, if we were in a different situation. I can’t say how much I want to be the only one he pays attention to. Can’t say I want to be his favourite, can’t say how much I want him to never leave my side, to always hold me. He’s warm, caring, kind, and he’s the only one that really cares about what happens to me. 

Wait no, I can’t go down that road. I can’t, it’ll just hurt. Too much. I sigh, tipping my head back and looking up at the ceiling listlessly. Whats the point of loving anymore if it’s just gonna hurt you.


End file.
